April Fools!
by Taylor Hayes
Summary: For the first day of April, Kurt plays straight. And while the boys  including Blaine  seem unhappy with this development, the girls are eager to enjoy this new Kurt. T for faked sexually suggestive situations.


**April Fools!**

Kurt had a plan, and it was one that would send McKinley High, particularly the male population, into a raging, frustrated and utterly bewildered frenzy. It would be worth every awkward moment of overacting, if he could just keep a straight face long enough to pull it off. And getting his co-conspirators to go along… well, that had been simple. (For the most part, anyway, with a single, overwhelming exception.)

As of the first of April, Kurt Hummel was officially straight.

… …

Finn's day started out like normal. Wake up, stumble into the kitchen for coffee and whatever breakfast Kurt or his mom had already made, and cereal if nothing was pre-cooked, take a shower while half asleep, grab the closest clothes off the ground and put them on (he'd at least learned to sniff them first, after the time in 8th grade when Brittany told him he "smelled like Lord Tubbington's indoor sandbox"), grab shoes, backpack and keys and head to McKinley.

Things didn't take a turn for the weird until he passed Kurt's locker on the way to homeroom.

Now, it wasn't unusual to see at least a few of the glee girls buddying up to the countertenor, after all, every one of them except Rachel had admitted they trusted Kurt's fashion judgement over their own. But this time-

He actually, walked past, froze, shook his head, rubbed his eyes, turned back and stared, jaw dropping open in shock.

Kurt was kissing Santana. And not in a "girly French kiss on each cheek" way either. They were full on making out. And Santana was moaning. Loudly and repeatedly, while Kurt grabbed her ass in one hand and threaded his fingers into the base of her ponytail, pulling at it with the other.

Still convinced this had to be a dream, Finn pinched his arm. _Hard._ It hurt.

Which was when it dawned on him… this was actually happening.

He could only stare in shock as Kurt's hand went up Santana's Cheerio skirt, the girl let out a little shriek, then collapsed against the grinning boy's chest, panting hard. She finally pushed herself back upright and stumbled towards the nearest girls bathroom, but not before Kurt slapped her butt while leering across the hall at one of the other Cheerios (_not_ a glee girl), who looked ready to melt with lust.

Kurt sauntered happily down the hall, appearing to adjust his pants as he walked, and when he passed Finn, he winked at his step-brother and laughed, his voice slightly lower and more gravelly, "Bitches, huh?"

Finn was late to homeroom, but he still did better than Jacob ben-Isreal who, upon discovering Kurt in another liplock, this time with Lauren Zizes, fainted dead away, only to wake screaming that the apocalypse was upon them and last seen exiting the school at a dead run.

… …

Mike and Artie were partners in Chemistry, and neither really paid much attention to the fact that Kurt was also in their class. They normally completed the worksheets and experiments as fast as they could, before moving on to comparing their favorite moves from new music videos. Kurt generally spent the period giggling with his own partner, Mercedes, and completely ignoring the teacher while somehow still always getting the work done before class let out.

They were all set to do just that when they came into the room, Mike leaning over Artie's shoulder and raving about Jason DeRulo's latest hit while rolling his friend through the doorway.

Then they stopped, eyes drawn up by the sounds of heavy macking. And saw Kurt and Mercedes sucking face like it was going out of style. As if that weren't enough, Kurt's paws were all over the chocolate diva, and she kept letting out little whimpers and gasps. It legitimately looked like the brunet was trying to remove the girl's tonsils with his tongue.

When the teacher came in behind them, he cleared his throat and shooed them out of the way, only to take their spot in unmoving silence as he too watched the unbelievable show.

Eventually, the bell for the beginning of class rang, and Mr. Whitters loudly coughed, before outright demanding that the kissing couple "please distance yourselves". At that, Kurt pulled away while Mercedes leaned back in her chair, a goofy look on her face, lips flushed and swollen, pupils enormous and dark. Raising an eyebrow, Kurt smirked. "Distance ourselves? If you say so, teach."

With that, he grabbed the girl's hand, pulled her to her feet and dragged her out the door. The entire class couldn't help following them into the hall, where Kurt confidently dragged Mercedes into the nearest janitor's closet. The door slipped shut behind them, followed by the thump of a body hitting the wall, and then a spiral of happy giggles, before the earlier sounds restarted.

Even Mr. Whitters couldn't focus in class after that.

Five minutes before the bell would ring, the pair stumbled back into the classroom. Kurt's hair was a mess, but it was Mercedes who really appeared worse for wear. Her clothes were rumpled, her makeup was smeared, and she had an enormous hickey clearly visible on one collarbone. With a dazed smile, she returned to her seat.

The boy, on the other hand, sat down on the top of a nearby table, back to the teacher, right between a pair of girls who hated each other (one was a Twilight-fanatic emo, the other a Pep Squad princess), both of whom took in his interested expression and reached for him, hands running up his legs and flirting like their lives depended on it. When they glared at one another, the claws came out. But the countertenor stopped them in their tracks, pulling each girl in, one after another, and giving them a long, loud, _involved_ kiss. After that, they both sat quietly, ignoring one another, the same look on their faces as that of Mercedes.

At the end of the class, neither Artie nor Mike had managed to do a single part of the experiment, and Artie ran into the doorframe on his way out.

… …

By lunch, Sam had heard the rumors, but he figured it was just another case of the school going insane. It wouldn't be the first time, after all.

He was taking a bite of his PB&J when Kurt walked in, and he had to spit it back out.

Because Kurt had one arm wrapped around Quinn, and the other around Rachel, and both girls were all over him, while his hands, and the fingers attached, were curled around and stroking their hip bones. Not to mention the way he would duck down and kiss one, then the other.

He still might have blown it all off as Kurt being his normal, over-the-top, super dramatic self. Then they seated themselves at a corner table, and he fed them freaking _grapes_, and they each took turns licked and biting at his fingers. Eventually, they gave up the pretense all together, and Rachel plastered herself to his front, Quinn to his back, and all three started grinding together. Quinn was dropping kiss after sucking kiss on his long neck, while Rachel desperately drew his lips to hers.

The next thing anyone knew, Rachel was pulling Kurt's hands up from her waist, under her shirt, and he was happily squeezing at her breasts. Quinn apparently getting tired of being left out, yanked the boy away from the brunette girl, spun him around, and straddled his lap pressing her hips down rhythmically against his, letting out desperate little keening noises. He thrust up, and began molesting her throat, even biting down on her shoulder at one point.

Rachel seemed frantic and furiously jealous, finally having enough and twisting her fingers into the blonde ex-Cheerio's hair, bodily ripping her off of Kurt, who simply leaned back and watched the catfight with a lascivious smile, minutely squirming as he readjusted the front of his loose-fit jeans.

The screeching and yells of "slut!" and "whore!" and "man-hands!" and "prego bitch!", not to mention the slaps and shoves and the way their nails scratched up each other's skin, eventually drew the attention of the day's lunch monitor. Unfortunately, it was Sue Sylvester, who marched over, dragged the girls apart and demanded to know what "ugly, underfed, over-muscled abomination of the male sex" they were fighting over this time.

When each girl merely continued to scowl at the other, Sue glared around and snarled, "If someone doesn't tell me what asswipe of a jock these two are going at it for, I'll make _everyone_ _here_ run laps until they puke blood, and then I'll lock you in a room with a starving mountain lion!"

Which was when Kurt came to his feet, sashaying forward to stand fearlessly in front of the intimidating woman. "Hello, Coach. I love the color of your track suit today. It brings out the blood thirst in your eyes."

Sam let out a terrified little "meep!", as her laser sharp focus landed on the slim boy.

Then her face went slightly pink, and she blinked a few times, while he cooly propped one fist on his hip, and reached up with the other to brush his thumb across her bottom lip. The blush spread, and her eyes went wide when she unconsciously leaned into the touch, unable to tear her gaze away from her "Precious Porcelain".

Pushing himself up close enough to breathe against her mouth, he smoothly growled, "I think I could use some personal help with my stretches, if you'd be interested, Coach. I can stay late after Cheerios practice, if you'd like."

The woman simply nodded helplessly, hands that had once been gripping the fighting girls now slack at her sides, her entire body curved towards the confident male.

A pleased little smile lit his lips, and he reached out to grasp Quinn and Rachel's hands, before pivoting on his heel and leading both girls out the door, who happily and mindlessly followed him, while Coach Sylvester tilted her head to stare after his retreating ass, letting out a gusty sigh.

This left Sam fighting the urge to vomit for the remainder of the day.

… …

It was the middle of fifth period when Figgins found himself watching in confusion as Kurt Hummel, one of the school's best and most respectful students who had never been in trouble with the administration in his four years at McKinley, was pulled into the main office by his ear, the Geometry teacher, Mr. Kenzie's face an angry red, shouting something about "sexual suggestions in the classroom" and "inappropriate innuendo".

Figgins wanted to groan, but held it in, going through the breathing exercises his psychologist had recommended at their last meeting. He saw his secretary, Mrs. Halsworthy, looking through the glass partition and raising an eyebrow at him. He shot her a nod that said "Give me a moment and then I'll have the energy to deal with the issue". Closing his eyes and dropping his head into his hands, he counted seven in and seven out for two minutes, before wearily coming to his feet and heading for the door.

But as he took in the sight in the other room, he couldn't help wondering if the breathing exercises had caused him to pass out.

Mr. Kenzie was gone, and Kurt Hummel remained. But the extravagantly and obviously gay boy was now stretched across his secretary's desk, fiddling with her necklace and it looked like he was taking the opportunity to peek down the the 53-year-old woman's blouse.

And Mrs. Halsworthy, who he had never seen so much as smile, was grinning widely and giggling like a school girl, even fluttering her lashes at the male, whose responding glance was shockingly sensual.

In a state of panic, Figgins practically ran into the front office, grabbing Mr. Hummel's arm and mumbling something about "seeking guidance", before rushing him through the doors, down the hall and away from his clearly possessed secretary.

… …

Will had been discussing wedding plans with Emma in her office when Principal Figgins burst through the door, thrust a smiling Kurt in their direction, then hurried back out, muttering under his breath about exorcists.

Raising an eyebrow at his student, the teacher opened his mouth to ask Kurt what was going on, when Kurt's eyes slid right past the man and fixed with a predatory gleam behind him.

Confused, Will glanced over his shoulder to ask Emma if she knew something he didn't. Then he paused, shocked to discover that his adorable redhead's enormous doe eyes were locked inescapably onto Kurt's. And her cheeks were rapidly turning a soft rose, while she stared, lips parted and breath stuttering, when Kurt slipped around the desk.

Reaching down, he caught her hand and pressed a tender kiss to the top, then slowly flipped it over to brush its twin against the pulse point of her wrist. And she didn't so much as flinch from his touch, though she had no way of knowing how clean his hands or lips were. Instead, she gasped quietly and leaned closer, her entire body somehow loose and tense all at once.

Struck dumb, Will watched his fiancé and his student move closer and closer.

Just before their mouths would have made contact, he lunged forward, catching Kurt's elbow and rapidly shuffling the brunet out of the room and away from the still stunned looking guidance counselor.

Standing out in the hall, Will tried again to ask Kurt what the hell was going on, but the boy simply pulled away from his grip, straightening his military-cut jacket and brushing off one arm, as though Will's touch had somehow dirtied the garment's fabric.

"Really, Mr. Schue, I get that you and your sweet little ginger are endgame, but experience is never a bad thing."

At this irreverent announcement, Kurt began to move away. Reaching forward, Will reeled the countertenor back to his side and coughed, "I- I think it might be best if you just stayed in the choir room for the rest of the period, don't you?"

A bored sigh escaped the student, but he shrugged and allowed the teacher to lead him through the halls.

When they reached the room, Will was surprised to see Shannon sitting on the piano bench. Then it came back to him, he had wanted her help in planning a surprise bridal shower for Emma. Now, the husky female came to her feet, glancing in bemusement from Will to the boy behind him. Will still wasn't sure how to explain, but as he began to speak, Kurt was already moving around him, palm running up the coach's arm. And Shannon looked like she'd just been punched in the gut, staring at the student as though hypnotized.

Smirking, Kurt let his fingers dance over her skin and easily announced, "You know, I've always found strong woman exceptionally attractive. Something about the idea that they could break you into pieces, not to mention last through a long, hard ride." That startled a noise that could almost be called a squeal, if it were several octaves higher, out of the bulky female. Possessively curling his hand around her bicep, he asked her to flex, and she met his request with goo-goo eyes and a show of taught arm muscles. His grin was all teeth as he seductively whispered that he had plans with "Sue" after cheerleading practice, and would she perhaps care to join them? Her stuttered answer of "yes" caused the boy to scoot closer and speak privately into her ear. Her expression of astonished and flattered interest was clear.

With a twist of his hips, Kurt again blew right past Will and out the door.

Will had to sit down.

… …

AP English was Blaine's favorite class of the day because it was his first class with Kurt. Admittedly, it was still the second-to-last class of the day, but time spent with his boyfriend would always be better than time spent separated.

His smile was loving and sweet as the boy of his dreams swanned through the doors. Then he watched stupidly, lacking comprehension, when Kurt completely ignored him in favor of sitting besides Tina.

Blaine was a little hurt, but he tried to tamp the feeling down, assuming that Tina must have had some important gossip to share, or a fashion emergency for which she needed Kurt's immediate attention.

They were fifteen minutes into the class when Blaine heard the first cut off groan. He almost ignored it, except that it was shortly followed by what could only be described as a muffled version of the scene in _When Harry Met Sally_ where Meg Ryan's character faked an orgasm. Finally unable to continue pretending nothing was going on, he covertly peered over his shoulder.

And stared, still not understanding, at the way Tina was biting down on her fist, eyes tightly closed while her entire body twitched and shook and her other hand was holding onto the edge of the desk hard enough to turn her knuckles white. Then he realized that Kurt wasn't beside her. It took him another few seconds of looking around the room, brow furrowed, to come to the conclusion that his lovely boyfriend was nowhere in sight.

It was five additional minutes, in which the noises slipping from Tina grew louder and louder, before he finally let his eyes rest on the familiar pair of black boots with white edges and laces, the cuffs of a pair of blue jeans tucked into said shoes that were peaking out from underneath the asian girl's desk (_on her side of the desk_, an unhelpful voice in his head added) and the impossible possibility wormed its way into his brain.

With a choked shriek, Tina's arms fell heavily, along with her head, onto the desk top. This was followed by the sound of cloth being move around, and then Kurt popped up from underneath the desk, licking his unusually shiny and swollen lips.

The pieces of the puzzle were all there. And twelve minutes into the next class, Blaine still sat in the exact same chair, his brain having shut down in disbelief.

… …

At the end of the day, Puck strolled into the choir room, with Rory following him in.

Both boys stared around in confusion at the dumbfounded expressions all the other males wore, even Mr. Schue, while most of the girls were giving off an almost scary-but-fulfilled sexy vibe. Puck scoffed and shrugged, ignoring them in favor of tuning up his guitar. He was planning to knock the panties off the club's females with his rendition of another favorite Billy Joel song, and he needed to be ready.

Rory, on the other hand, dropped into the chair besides Sam and knocked the other boy's shoulder. "What's goin' on?"

The question was never answered, as that was the moment Kurt strode in like he owned the room, with Lauren Zizes, who had been absent from the club since the beginning of the year, on his arm. And she was watching him with the same obsessive devotion that she normally only aimed at photos of Robert Pattinson.

Settling her in a spot on the front row, Kurt then proceeded to maul the girl's mouth and she met him move for move, in an act so primal and terrifying it made Rory want to wet himself.

The countertenor had pulled away and headed for the piano by the time Puck turned back around to take in the fact that Rory had now joined the rest of the guys in an expression that suggested someone had cracked them over the head with a golf club. Again choosing to ignore it, Puck moved forward, trying to get Schue to start the lesson, so Puck could start his de-panty-fication of the feminine portion of the room.

But instead of Mr. S speaking, it was Hummel who welcomed everyone to glee club. When Puck tried to announce his performance, the little dude chuckled and told him to "sit down and see how it's done, Puckerman".

Unable to get over the use of his last name, which Puck wasn't sure he'd heard Hummel call him all year, he missed the title of the song.

He quickly figured out that it didn't matter, since the way the boy was practically oozing sex with every note and word had knocked Puck off balance. He was having a hard time connecting the low purr escaping Hummel's throat to the girly kid he was pretty sure had never even jacked off.

By the end of the song, even Puck was uncomfortably aware of the fact that he'd popped half a boner. He blinked, and the next thing he knew, Sparkles the Unicorn had been jumped by Britt. That wasn't necessarily unusual, what with how she had been in love with Hummel since their weird relationship last year. But when Sugar joined Britt, and he didn't push them off and actually started kissing back, groping both chicks at once, that was the point where it crossed the line from a normal day into some kind of seriously screwed up dream. 'Cause, seriously, this could not be real life. Gay Fresh didn't even _like_ boobs, so there was no way in hell he would be motorboating Brittany's chest.

But he was. And grabbing at Sugar's ass, which she actually seemed to be enjoying.

That was the moment Puck gave up trying to make sense of things.

And when Hummel, happily flushed, announced he was having a sleepover with all the girls and Puck's thoughts immediately jumped to translate that as "ORGY", he officially declared the day insane.

… …

Azimio was heading in from the field after football practice.

The whole thing had been weird. All the dudes in glee were acting like zombies, and Coach Beiste hadn't even shown up.

Then there was the way that, every time he stared over in the direction of the Cheerios' practice, all the girls in their red and white uniforms seemed to be fawning all over Homo Hummel.

And when the retard, Becky or whatever, spent the entire practice watching the gay freak with a scary thoughtful smile, instead of copying her idol, Coach S, and yelling at the girls through one of them megaphones about being "pathetic maggots", he shuddered. His shower in the locker room was extra fast, and he hurried home, hoping that everything would still be right with the world when he got back to his house.

… …

It was just before midnight, when April 1st would become April 2nd, that a mass email was sent out to all the glee boys, along with Mr. Schuester, reading simply: "This April, the fool is you. Sincerely, Kurt"

… …

"What the hell, dude?"

"Eloquent, Finnegan."

"No, but seriously, man. What the hell _was_ that?"

"That, Puckerman, was the best April Fools joke to hit McKinley, Lima, and possibly Ohio in the past century."

"I'm just glad you're still gay. I really wish you'd warned me, though."

"Blaine, I couldn't help it. You get so cute when you're flustered. And, I assure you, I didn't actually go down on Tina-"

"Blaine's not the only one glad to hear that, bro."

"Sorry, Michael. But I had to make it appear real. I actually borrowed Brittany's shiniest lipgloss, which also had the bonus of being the lip-plumper type that tingles, for that bit. It tasted like Diet Coke, and I'm planning to buy myself a tube this week."

"You gotta tell us, homes, how'd you get all the girls to go along with it?"

"The glee girls, along with Lauren and Becky, all thought it would be hilarious, and Coach Beiste made some comment about "funnier than a pig in a dolphin suit", although I think Miss P wanted to make Mr. Schue a little jealous. And Coach Sylvester officially owns the "first born child of my womb". When I pointed out, being male, I am unable to actually bear a child, she confidently said her spies in a set of Swedish labs assured her it was going to be completely possible within the next twenty years, and she wouldn't trust Blaine to manage carrying a kid to term, so that left me to be the baby mama of our "unnaturally conceived future spawn"."

"Why am I untrustworthy?"

"She mentioned something about your tendency to recklessly jump on top of furniture."

"What about the other girls, like, uh, those two in Chem?"

"Mike means Michelle and Erin, the ones who were totally ready to go all kinds of smackdown for the privilege of handling your ass."

"And what about the freshman Cheerio in the hall before first period?"

"Or Figgins' secretary?"

"Or all the other cheerleaders during practice?"

That got an alarming chuckle. "I actually didn't have anything to do with those ladies. They simply showed an interest, so I decided they deserved to be innocently involved."

"The way you were all over Erin and Michelle was anything but innocent, Kurt."

"But how does that even work? I mean, they didn't _really_ believe you were into it, did they? You're totally the gayest guy on the planet, man."

His smile mischievous, Kurt stood and stretched leisurely, running his hands lingeringly down his chest and hips in a way that had even the straight boys' throats going a little dry, and causing Blaine to understand exactly what the females of McKinley had found so intriguing the previous day. "Haven't you heard? The gay always gets the girl."

**end**


End file.
